onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Randomize
