i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
