So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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