there's paper in my vomit.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
