If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Randomize
