My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
