There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
