everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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