I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Be still, my beating vagina.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
