the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize