when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
