Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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