go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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