My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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