I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize