Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
