somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
