there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
