mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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