Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
