Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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