She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
