this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Your cock deserves a montage
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
