I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
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