I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
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