Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
