Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
