I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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