If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
