I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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