its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
