If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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