he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
