I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Be still, my beating vagina.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Randomize
