bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
