Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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