captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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