bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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