I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
