he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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