I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
