That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
