I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
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