On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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