Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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