I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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