Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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