Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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