What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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