hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
a search helicopter?!
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
All I want is dick and wine.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
