there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
