So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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