i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
