he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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