then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize