she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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