I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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